LETTERS FROM A SISTER WHO IS LOSING HER FAITH (PARTS 1 & 2)

We are closely involved with many Christadelphians who are either losing or have lost their faith. Almost all of this discussion is confidential and never makes it onto the pages of this website.

However one brave sister has agreed to allow us to publish and we hope that readers will learn much from this series of letters that will be published here from time to time.

She has kindly allowed us to use her real name and some will recognise who she is. They will doubtless agree with me that Dawn is one of the finest and most remarkable sisters to ever grace a Christadelphian Hall. I have endless admiration for her. For the Christadelphians to lose Dawn is a devastating blow for the religion.

Even though she has left the Christadelphians she does not consider herself to be an Ex-Christadelphian. She wants to leave it all behind and who can blame her? But here at Ex-Christadelphians we hold precious Dawn very dear in our hearts and she is one of the brightest and most brilliant stars in our firmament. There is nothing that we would not do for her.

I say this to my dearly beloved brethren and sisters in the Christadelphian community: Read what follows and weep in bitter sorrow for one of Rachel's children who is no more in your midst. (Jeremiah 31:15) For it was your evil doctrine of fellowship that lost to you a beloved sister whose shadow you were not worthy to walk upon. Reform your ways and never let this tragedy befall your faith again.

My original reply to Dawn can be read here: Click here.

Hi John - thanks for this reply.


Yes I think you're right about some seismic event which shakes one out of faith mode - for me though I think it was more to do with mid-life things and starting to feel my losses and disappointments which were a slow trickle over many years - most of them caused by faith issues and the Christos:  unnecessary pain and legalism, they inventing sins which are no sins and invent virtues which are no virtues, then I felt abandoned by God and unprotected by him.  I came out of denial about ...................... (Editor's note: I have deleted this part of the letter)  and suddenly saw it for what it was:  emotional and spiritual abuse.  And then I felt hurt by God.  And so a big inquiry began.

I still believe in God as Creator and that he has some kind of redemptive plan for the earth, but at the moment I can't find my way back to having any kind of real relationship with Him - though I do thank Him for all the good things.   But that's about it at the moment - my faith has evaporated under the pain of seeing things for what they really were, yet I still maintain an irreducible minimum of some kind of faith in a creator God.

I hope I don't lose my faith entirely, but at the moment I am not even interested in some kind of after life which was such a powerful incentive for me, but occasionally I think it would be good to witness a better time and place :)
 
Kindest regards,

Dawn
 
Hi John
 
I'm afraid I've jacked it all in and I  just don't go there anymore - including all the "ex" stuff (which I also found difficult).  The piece I wrote for "Whose Truth" I wrote a while back.  I'm really just not interested in CDia at all - either ex-stuffs or otherwise! 

I am just content with my irreducible minimum of belief and giving of thanks and that's it :)   .....if you see what I mean.   I don't want to think about it anymore, or flashbacks might return.  I'm through with it all.  But thank you for your encouragement and kind words :)

Kindest regards,

Dawn
 
Letters To My Ecclesia - From Dawn
(Editor's note: The layout and punctuation is original - it is a form of poetry
The Ecclesia concerned will know who Dawn is addressing)
 
       dear uninterested friends
 
spring is late this year.  the coldness has rendered the trees and plants lifeless - as if they are dead  in the midst of December, even though it's the middle of april.  it's as if they do not want to put forth their shoots into the cold.  they are wary.
 
nearly two decades have passed since i wrote to you.  my last missive was a letter of resignation.  i was sad when i wrote it.  i felt i was rejecting you.  i didn't want to write it,   but i had no choice - the way things were with your endogamy rules, and the choices i had made - and the simple fact that some things were just "not allowed" with my alien husband.
 
 so i left.  i was with you only three brief years. those years were like a forced early spring to me.  i came into bud early - i felt so alive in your midst, despite the suffocating entrapment of inappropriate concern from  a well-meaning but misguided person in authority.  so i blossomed too soon, only to be uprooted through my circumstances, and then frost of legalism froze the exposed roots of my emotions and withered my inner life little by little by little.
 
but i do not blame you.  i lay no charge at your feet.  i am just saying how it was for me.  i have come to life again with the warm well-timed spring of freedom.
 
       dawn

      dear uninterested friends


i have been married to my alien husband for over 19 years now. several of your endogamous marriages broke down in your midst after i left, and i heard what you said about it - that it is human weakness. i am weak and human too, though i am still married - albeit to an alien. you have learnt that endogamous marriages do not ensure marital success and happiness.


on the subject of marriage, i was thinking, my time with you was a bit like a courtship and a very brief marriage – we seemed so well matched, you and i, with our mutual love of truth and rational thinking. yet in the end we weren't compatible at all. we are very different. you could not appreciate my qualities of being able to love beyond your boundaries, and i could not appreciate your qualities of theological and doctrinal purity. so i guess divorce between us was inevitable, even though i was so compliant with your many requirements because i loved you and wanted to please you. despite being baptised a second time into your special covenant - like an initiation ceremony to take me to yourself – it still didn’t work sadly. i was so ready for that baptism, and happy to do it for you, and for myself too. i was so so happy to be part of you – even though it went all pear-shaped.


but my knowing about our parting is that it forced me to take a second look at many issues. which is healthy i guess. taking a second look at things can be revealing.


and - i still have my extra large kjv bible which with lots of marginalia in it – written in small, neat finely pencilled handwriting. how i loved coming to your meeting with that bible in it’s blue cover. i was so proud to have a big bible like that with so many erudite notes in it. it made me feel good at the time, and it served me well. i never read it now.


the decree absolute dissolved some bad things, so that is good.

dawn


Editor's Note: More letters from Dawn soon.



 





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